Be Good to Yourself

Many years ago I had the pleasure of working with a gentleman that I came to respect for his self-awareness and dedication to doing the right thing. He taught me a great deal even though most of the lessons did not really “hit home” until years later. Perhaps the greatest impact on me came from a simple daily admonition as we parted at the end of the day to “Be good to yourself.”

First let’s remember that this was during the infamous 70’s when just about anything was acceptable and hedonism was very much in vogue. The inevitable result was that I took his advice to mean that I should indulge myself and reward myself and generally pursue as much pleasure as I could find. The good news, or perhaps it was the bad news, was that there was a great deal of pleasure to be found. It was not until much later that I came to understand that he did not mean what I heard at the time. He meant something much more important and challenging. As it turns out the simple pursuit of pleasure may be fine for Paris and Lindsey but it’s not so good for me. Frankly I doubt that it is any good for them either, but that is content for another type of publication.

As time passed I changed. Feature that. In retrospect it seems quite natural but at the time it was a fearsome prospect. In those days of yore I never really wanted to make meaningful commitments or pay attention to the wisdom of others or limit my behavior to that which would add value, and I certainly did not want to embrace accountability. Perhaps worst of all, I would choose on many days to do nothing even when a whisper in my head (the ghosts of my parents?) told me that I should put one figurative foot in front of the other toward something –anything.

Anyway I came to realize that I had a larger purpose in life than to just feel good. It isn’t particularly important how I got there. It may have been the inevitable sorting out of all the lessons I avoided learning as a child and adolescent. It may have been changes in society as a whole. It may have been my choosing to return to the study of human behavior – including mine. It may have been the spiritual inspiration that grew in me. In this case I think that hindsight is not necessarily so crystal clear. No matter. I changed.

I found expression for my deeper and more authentic self in the study and application of organizational psychology. It has brought me grand elation and deep sorrow, but above all it has made me a firm believer in the basic rightness of humanity. With few exceptions, people try to do the right thing. Good intentions rule even though they may sometimes pave the road to perdition. In this blog I will share what I have seen in my more than thirty years in this work and ask the many questions that continue to plague me about what makes organizations work to the true benefit of their stakeholders. I will elaborate on what I came to know as the meaning of being good to myself and write about some of the many mistakes I have made on my journey. Please join me by commenting or posing questions of your own. I believe that your intentions are good and together perhaps we can keep from laying those infamous paving stones on a road that none of us wants to travel.

Common Sense and Consultant Selection

If there is anything we have learned in my more than twenty years in business it is that most managers and executives really do care about the people in their team, department, or organization. Oh, they may talk tough and even steel themselves against the pain when they must take administrative steps to discipline, correct, or terminate, or "rightsize" but they feel the pain nonetheless. I have also learned the inescapable truth is that the pain is largely from feeling powerless. If you have ever wanted deep in your heart to do something well and just didn’t know how and didn’t know where to turn for help, you understand what I am saying.

The problem for many managers is that they simply find it hard to trust internal HR people or outside consultants enough to entrust them with their people. In a strange paradoxical fashion they would rather have the situation go slowly around the drain all on their own than share the experience with a stranger. I guess that when we are afraid we might fail and we are doing something as incredibly important as management, it is better to not have an audience.

Some years ago a management scholar discovered that a surprising number of managers, in particular those that had moved up rapidly, lived in constant fear that they might be discovered for the fraud that they believed inside that they were. Perhaps not so many managers feel that way today as did years ago, but I rather doubt it. I suspect that an important reason that professionals like me are called in when it is way too late is that same fear of discovery. After all, to ask for help involves risk. What if the helper is a fraud too? What if the manager’s ineptitude really is the root problem? What if intervention actually makes things worse? These are all legitimate questions and I would never suggest that managers and executives ignore their fears and concerns and move ahead blindly with something as crucial as people problems. Rather I would suggest that the manager or executive do their shopping in a way that dispels the concerns and fears before making a decision to “open the kimono” and try the latest fad.

Informed selection of helping professionals depends upon getting the right information and the right information is not what program they are selling or what games they play, but what kind of person are they. If you are going to put your people, your very livelihood in the hands of someone else he had better be ethical and trustworthy and as committed to your success and to your people as you are. So don’t simply visit the web site and interview him. You will find that most practitioners can sound competent and can dazzle you with their socio-technical system analysis talk. Fewer can show you what you really need to know without a different selection strategy.

Do something with him that gives you a chance to see the person and not the sales pitch. Playing golf or tennis with the person is one of my favorites. It will reveal character in ways that an interview cannot. Both sports are really good because the play and the scoring depend upon an honor system. I prefer golf only because it is easier on my knees and allows more time for conversation. Most importantly, it is a game that demands character and that is what you must select for. A person that will improve a bad lie or fail to count a stroke or let you win is not likely to tell you the truth about what is going on in your organization or give you the feedback that you need to realize your potential. It is also true that if you play your cards right you can probably get him to pay for the round. You should include a couple of your key people as well so that they can do their own measuring of the person to see if he is a fit with your organization. Of course some other activity might work as well. Just make sure that it reveals the person and not the elevator speech.

This is not about brain surgery, it is about common sense. If you need your helping professional to be the right person with the right character and the right skills, expose them to you and your people before the billable hours begin; and trust your gut about which candidate can really help you with that “soft stuff” that drives you crazy.